Falling Downside Up In Love

     My first pregnancy was normal. The most I had to worry about with Reagan was gestational diabetes. This meant I couldn't have a pop-tart for every meal of the day like my cravings wished. Reagan was delivered in late August after pushing for an hour. When she entered our world, we were swept away with joy and undying love. Alice, our second child, had to have her own way of entering the world.
     I didn't share much during my latest pregnancy. During the nine months, our second daughter took residence in my womb we never even agreed upon a name. Time seemed to pass at an ungodly rate. I attended my obstetrician appointments regularly. Everything was going well, this time around I didn't even have to watch my diet! Score! Sometime after my glucose testing, I visited my doctor's office where I saw the nurse practitioner since my OB was away. While feeling my belly she informed me that baby was head down. Another check on my list to healthy delivery of baby number two. At work, I told the children in my class that the bulge directly under my ribs on my right side was the baby's bum. My students were such an awesome part of this pregnancy. During nap time they would quietly read stories to Ms. Autumn's baby (still didn't have a name), and watch baby dance throughout the day.
     It wasn't until the end of my pregnancy we realized the bulge I had been telling everyone was a bottom, happened to be her top end. The baby was breech. I had so many questions. Why was I told the baby was head down? What were my options? Should I have any concerns? What can I do to flip baby? The doctor checked my cervix and ensured I still had time for the baby to change position. He wanted me back the next day to measure fluid for ease of movement on the baby's part. At that appointment, I was told our baby had normal fluid levels and I should spend time on my elbows and knees trying to coax the baby into flipping. Those next few days I spent most of my spare time trying to give baby room to get into birthing position. While studying for class, reading to Reagan, or watching HGTV you could find me on all fours pleading with my second daughter to do a flip.
     All this to no avail. Our baby was stubborn; I've no idea where she got that trait. Our doctor gave me the option of coming into the hospital to try an external cephalic version or scheduling a C-section outright. C-section. I wasn't having it. I wanted to do this whole thing the way I knew how. I wanted to push. I wanted that skin to skin moment after the fact. I wanted to do what my body was supposed to do. So even with the doctor's warning of pain and the possibility of the baby's heart rate dropping which would be cause for an emergency C-section that same day, I opted for the ECV.
      During this time in our lives, we had a multitude of things to plague our minds. Our home was a construction zone, our new roof was leaking, our water heater quit, our garage door gave out, and my mother-in-law was on hospice and in rapid decline. We didn't know where to begin, but after dropping the kids off to family for the night we were able to put into perspective our blessings. We took a timeout to thank each other for our strengths and opened up about our scariest thoughts for the time period. We cried. We held each other. And we got a few hours of sleep.
     The morning we went in to flip baby I was optimistic. No matter what happened in that room I was blessed. The worst that could come was fear of the unknown. Off the bat it seemed, there was little chance baby would flip. My fluid level dropped dramatically and the baby became more distressed with each attempt to push her head down. With tears welling in my eyes, I asked the doctor to keep trying. He smiled half-heartedly and let me know I was strong but he couldn't in good conscience keep putting the baby at risk. Disappointed I looked at my husband and suddenly knew just what to name our hard-headed child.
"Alice", I cried.
I chose this name based on the character in the book written by Lewis Carroll. Because what's up is down and down is up. The staff in the room with us were excited about the name. I had found the silver lining of the moment. The disappointment was fading and I had a new worry.
     C-section. There it was again. That word nobody seemed to share. Again the unknown shrouded my mind but there was something else intertwined with it this time. I was sad my birth plan was sent swirling down the drain. I felt betrayed by my body. I felt scared. I felt alone. Alone, not only because a C-section was so unheard of, but because I didn't want to add to anyone's worries by complaining or showing how afraid I really was. Because suddenly our worries were going to take a turn for the worse.
     On our way to visit my mother-in-law, we received a call. We raced to the nursing home. We were met by family crying on shoulders outside. My husband raced inside while I pulled children out of the car, mind racing. We rushed past nurses and family. I opened the door to my husband holding her hand. She had passed just before we arrived. We were heartbroken. Our brains weren't able to grasp anything. Emotionally we had been drained. It's still hard to put into words what those moments had been for us. As a couple, we were holding each other together with all we had at this point. So many things were left unsaid between us but we knew the other needed our support and love. Looking back at this time in life makes me so proud of my family unit and husband. He was unable to process the sadness and still found a way to be there emotionally for me and care for me as I was healing. That night we said little and held each other through the night. Comforting one another with only the soft sounds of our breathing.
     Early the next morning we lugged ourselves into the hospital halls. There we were greeted by family and tried to make what little conversation our minds could allow in order to keep my mind off the surgery. When the nurses finally walked me down the hall to the room I would meet my daughter in I became terrified. As I turned into the room I looked behind me to find my husband had been ushered further down the hall. I was alone. I was shaking as they propped me on a bed, tying tubes and wires to different areas of my body. They asked me to lean forward for the spinal tap and my whole body was shaking. They draped me in blankets thinking I was cold when really I was trying to hold back tears. Finally, as the drape went up to block my view of the operation my husband sat next to my face. We shared a smile. My rock was here and I knew I could do this.
     The moment I heard her cry was such a relief. She was held above me and red goo dripped on my face as I tried to take in her features through tears. I looked to my left to see my husband just watching me. We were crying with joy. Our silver lining had entered the world, Miss Alice.
I was rolled back to my room. I was finally allowed to hold my baby and breathe with some ease. Between breaths, I was wheezing though. Coughing and holding my new stitches together. With all my joy I found little to be bothered within the way of a cold. Even though I was hurting everywhere and wasn't clotting like I should have been, we hoped I would heal better once home. I got little sleep. Waking to nurse every couple of hours. Holding myself together with each cough. It drove me to my breaking point.
     At Alice's checkup, I obviously wasn't well. My doctor came to look at me after it was determined Alice was healthy. I was jaundice. My abdomen had a hematoma, and after an x-ray, we discovered I had pneumonia. I saw my husband cry when they told him I had to stay in the hospital again. I was readmitted. They gave me fluids, two different antibiotics, two units of blood, and cough medicine to suppress the cough enough to allow my stitching to heal. After talking with my doctor I made it clear I wanted to be released by Saturday to attend the service with my husband as well as my sister's graduation party. My doctor delivered.
     We had a rollercoaster of events hit our family. We came out on top and the beauty of it all was seeing how blessed we were with our family and friends. All our troubles started to drift away with aid from friends and the kindness of neighbors. Even the act of mowing our yard was so appreciated. Since then, we have taken some much-needed time to be a family and heal.
     I had originally intended for this post to help me deal with my emotions about my C-section and show that it shouldn't be a taboo subject that strikes fear or shame in any woman. I know this turned into my daughter's birth story and maybe that's what I needed. Sharing these events after being so quiet and reserved during it all has helped me organize my feelings. Maybe I will circle back to the intended subject in the near future. Know that nobody should make you feel ashamed of your body, child, or story. It's all your own. Besides falling downside up in love was just as worthwhile as the usual way.