Stirring the Back Burner

   I've been away from this blog for well, a long time. Longer than I anticipated. I had hoped to be here at least once a week. It was a battle most days finding something to write about, finding the time to do it, then of course convincing myself to push the publish button. If I told you I had written many a post and scheduled a day and time for release, only to cancel and delete it hours beforehand, would you believe me?

   Refusing to cross finish lines and second-guessing myself is keeping me stagnant.  Having so much creative energy sift through without any effort, honestly feels like a growing void. Validating the use of my time needs to stop. Allowing defense for my lack of action needs to stop. Doing for others' eyes rather than my own pith needs to stop. I'm prepared to support my use of time in order to accomplish more of what I need. What I enjoy.

   Justifying the use of my time is undermining. I spend my time doing what I think needs done to keep up with the household. Looking over completed lists of "To-Dos". Recounting trips outside of the home (with children) to the husband, taking pride in remembering the diaper bag or how I had defused a tantrum. Sipping a glass of wine as a reward for a "hard" day's work. I constantly find myself scrawling line after line of work that doesn't help me accomplish MY "work". The days feel used alright. But they don't feel full.

   I make excuses. Excuses to not start or finish a project I DREAM about. The obvious exhaustion excuse comes to the forefront. I know that using more energy to create will promote energy within. I can't let lack of time hold me back either. Priorities become established and I often find my ideas taking a backseat to the most minute happenings. Scrolling mindlessly through a long list of creativity rather than seeing a part of myself take shape is senseless.

   And I care what others see from me. I take pictures from angles that avoid piles of laundry that need folding. I worry whether my child is on a path consistent with their age. I read articles on making a cozy guestroom (I have no guestroom). I find myself spending too much time trying to figure out how to keep up with the Joneses and not nearly enough time keeping up with my deteriorating individuality.  

    Validation in how I spend my time seems to be a large factor in my willingness to do more for myself. I don't need more time to validate my use. And I don't need validation in my use of time. There is no room for excuses in my new "busy schedule". Doing more for me in time is doing more for those who love me. Concerning myself with others' views in opposition to my own "vision" has been my greatest deposition. Sharing ideas and creations whether it's favored or overlooked, doesn't take away from their effect. I can't wait another day. Another list. Another scroll. I'm here today. Nobody's waiting.

  

   I hope to write here once a week, sew something new, share my current read, and expand my current recipes. Check back to keep me on my toes.